These Words given by A Dad That Saved Me when I became a Brand-New Dad

"In my view I was merely just surviving for a year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the difficulties of being a father.

However the actual experience quickly turned out to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a talk with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he required support.

The direct words "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider inability to talk amongst men, who continue to absorb harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It's not a display of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, says men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a respite - going on a couple of days abroad, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "poor actions" when in his youth to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you feel swamped, tell a friend, your other half or a therapist how you're feeling. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - managing the frustrations constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they faced their pain, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, on occasion I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."